toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk