Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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