Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
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Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
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I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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