god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
