I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
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I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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