I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
