Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I will die if light touches me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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