Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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