you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
