I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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