So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think people are normalizing furries
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
