Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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