I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
