Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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