I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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