She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
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I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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