Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
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He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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