I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
