He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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