there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
