I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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