I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
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Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.