Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.