what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...