Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
