her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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