Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
