Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
