Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
