I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is wine microwaveable?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
