the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize