ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
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