You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
