I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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