Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
