Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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