my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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