Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?