he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
