stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
