If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
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Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
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In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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