Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
