dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have feelings that need drinking.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
