someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
