I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
