I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
