the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
