I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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