they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
