Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
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A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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