My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
