dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she looked like the before picture.
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This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you