Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED