Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
